Today there are days where you feel that everything that you have done is weong and that if you try to redo things that you wanted to do them before that what you wanted to do just never works out and that everything just happens to fall down and come right back and bite you on the ass. I have alway seemed to be noticing these kinds of things and why they happen in a lot of ways and then other ways I have yet to relaly see if that is true. I just don't know what to think could be true and then all of the things that could be fake. I just feel lost in a lot of the ways that I try and live my life. I know to many of you that might not matter to you at all but that is the truth.
I wake up everyday and do all of the same things and then it is that one day that I feel as if I ambeing one of the most fakest people out there. That you know that you are living one big lie to make everyone that you know really happy. Like me. I don't care about what I am doing at all. I don't care that I only trying to get by though life even though that I'm not happy.
I go to school I go and do all of those things that we are all supposed to do. I don't really enjoy many of the classes that I am taking right now but because they are required I am taking them for that I can become better at anything else that I am going to do. I just want to try and get by I guess that is all that I am trying to say even if I am not one to like the method that I am going forth and doing it by.
Loving is only a joke I think. I know that iot is wrong to just be going out with someone and then them only messing around with you for a whole month but never once say that they care or anything. Just saying that we are goin to be fulling around and that when the month is done that I hope to god never to see you again shit. I hate that and do you have any idea how much that could hurt someone just to hear that. Wait I am sure that all of you know that.
I go way out of my way for this guy and for him not to really care. I think that he could be using me but then when we start to talk about it. He makes it sound like I am the one trying to use him. I guess in some ways that could be right that I could be using him but using him for what? See that is what I have been trying to figure out what could I be using him for? I'm not sure. The hickeys. The way that he makes me feel? I didn't think that you could count all of these things as a reason but he is saying that you can and if that is the case then yes I am guilty I guess of trying to use him.
Though we only know that right there that is not ture because I would not even know how to use a person. So then right there it is all a lie tht I could not be using him for the fact that I don't know how. To tell you the truth I'm in a love with him in a way. I don't know why that is though. Maybe it has to do with his brown eyes. I'm not sure what it is but I just really like that about him and wish that he could see the way that I look at it. Look at how he is and how good he has been to me.
I know that he only must see me as a sex toy but I see him more then just a friend. I don't know the two of us are ever going to make this whole thing work out but it seems that we like to try too, and that is what makes it all insane because you know for a good reason or even that of being a fact that there is no way that he sees me anymore but a toy and I don't want to be seen as a toy I want to be seen as someone that he likes that someone he can be seen around with his friends that is what I want to be seen as but I doubt that I will ever get to be seen in that kind of light. Ever... which really seems to bring me down and I have a feeling that is something that should not happen at all that he should just be able to see me as me and not anyone else, that is something that I am longing for and if he can't ever see me that way then what am I to do?
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